Bump in the Night Brawl #2: Zombies

It's day 2 of Starting the Next Chapter's Bump in the Night Brawl and it is Undead Tuesday, which means that a post about zombies is in order. Today, Kyla from Kyla Novelista has been gracious enough to educate us about zombies. She has some interesting and useful information, so I hope you all will join me in welcoming her to Starting the Next Chapter!

I have been asked to represent my people during this visit to Starting the Next Chapter. And I should warn you, not all zombies are as pretty as me. There are different types. Stages, if you will. I was never buried and therefore technically, not raised. Those are the really butt-ugly ones, but don't tell them I said that. There's a little inequality among us in that regard. Touchy subject. Anyhow, I really don't look that different from you. Well, I mean I'm prettier, but that's a given. Just a few minor disagreements with a knife that are visible on me. No worries. They've come out with a cream for that.

Now a lot of you mundanes have speculated about us zombies, and, quite frankly, I'm a little disappointed about the rep we've gained. Mindless machines? Please. We're way worse than that. Sure we've been reanimated, but as long as no one nibbles on my brain…I have full say over what I do. And to whom I do it. *wink wink*

Why is this worse? It's not obvious? Good goddess you're slow. If someone were controlling all the zombies and directing them…like a puppeteer, then you'd have to come under scrutiny of that particular person. However, with all zombies controlling themselves? You've got to be much more careful. Piss me off and I'm likely to chomp on your neck. What? I like the neck.

So, as I was saying. Zombies? Totally the worst thing out there. I mean, sure it's freaky to have a vamp clamped to your neck, but damn, ever had an arm just clawing it's way to you? Minus the body? When we're reanimated, we get certain gifts from our Voodoo queen. For instance, the ability to control our body. All of it. Even if it's not all attached. Add to that the fact that it could be your dear Auntie Em's arm and total traumatizing will commence. For reals.

You can hit us, run us over, insult us, yell profanity…none of that will matter. We have only one way we can actually be dead. I mean dead-dead, not like walking-around-eating-people-dead. You can't kill us from fifty feet away. Nope. You can shoot silver bullets at werewolves from a safe distance away, lob stakes at vamps from the safety of your hidey hole, but you've gotta get up close and personal to kill one of us. Plus, you'll really need a strong stomach, because you're gonna have to separate the zombie's head from his/her body. And, depending on the stage of decay the zombie is in…it can be quite difficult to accomplish. I'm like a zombie ninja, well, zombie ninja cheerleader, and rate of decay over here is slow goin's. I'd definitely not recommend trying that out on me!

Now, there are all kids of crazy things that thrive on mundane ignorance. But alas, you're all just a little too ignorant for me. So, allow me to help you prepare against the fiercest, scariest of those bumps in the night.

When zombies attack your town:

Step 1: Be sure to surround yourself with people, preferably people that you don't like. Keep in mind that this is only the first line of defense. You don't want to be the only option on the menu, do you? No, of course not. These are not sensual vamps we're talking about.

Reminder: Zombie bite =/= orgasmic

Step 2: Slather yourself with butter and encourage all those around you to do the same. This is in no way related to our desire to…uh, nibble on you.

Step 3: Now, you wait. Wait. Wait. You wait until we find you. You should, under no circumstances attempt to track us down. We don't like our dinner delivered. That is, we are not easy to track. Yes, not easy to track.

Step 4: When we find you, scream “Run!” at the top of your voice. As you and your comrades flee for your life, trip the closest person to you. This is where you'll be glad you kept company with people you don't like. This should, in no way, be seen as an act of vengeance, but rather as the best line of defense. Strategic planning, if you will.

Now, if you happen to be caught in the grips of a zombie we'll, uh, you'll be glad you slathered yourself with butter. Because….well, because then you can just wiggle a little. Yeah. Wiggle and you'll slip right out of our grip. Sure.

You should also avoid the following:

1. Do not attempt to shoot at us.

Not recommended

Bullets will do nothing to us except mar our body and make us look more gruesome. I'm gonna be mighty ticked off if you shoot up my face before the big Friday night football game. Which brings me to number 2.

2. Do not tick off a zombie…especially a zombabe, like me.

3. Do not try to light us on fire. I mean seriously, we're DEAD. Like fire is really going to do much. Can't feel it people. Be more creative. Besides…that's just gonna add some seriously stinky fumes to your already polluted planet.

4. Do not attempt to flee in your vehicle. During zombie attacks or, for crying out loud, the zombie apocalypse, you'll never get anywhere! No…fleeing on foot, in crowds, that's the most practical way.

5. Do not attempt to track down the Voodoo queen who raised us. Dude, she raised ZOMBIES for crying out loud! You think your teeny mundane self can do anything to her? Good zombie goddess you're not going to last five minutes!

Come to think of it…the only sure way to survive when zombies are around is to place a sign in the window of your house. Or have a T-shirt made. Tattoo? I make it a policy not to snack on my Twitter followers, but outside of Twitterland it's hard to tell who is zombie friendly.

Do yourself a favor: vote Zombies on October 30^th and proudly display this sign and avoid the fallout from zombies all together.

I would like to thank Marla @ Starting the Next Chapter for having me here today to educate you wonderful people on the realities of zombies. Apologies to you who may have felt a nibble or two while you were here…she did say the event was catered and, well, I took that literally. Please, do yourself one last favor…follow me on twitter to avoid becoming a full on dinner entre @kyla_holt.

psst…if you vote zombies, wear an I Voted For Zombies sticker and I will avoid you during dinner.

Thanks, Kyla! It was great having you on Starting the Next Chapter today. So, folks, what do you think? Did you learn anything new? If not, Kyla has provided a handy flyer to aid you in remembering what to do in the event of a zombie uprising.

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