Bump in the Night Brawl #4: Vampires

Are you ready for the continuation of Vampiric Thursday?  I hope so, because Louise from Between the Covers is here to enlighten us as to the ins and outs of the vampire world.  She has promised to bring it and wipe the floor with all of the other entrants in the Brawl.  Let's all welcome Louise to the Bump in the Night Brawl! 


I’m here at Starting the Next Chapter today as a representative for the vampire race. *smiles sweetly, making a great show of flashing my fangs... just in case you missed them*

I guess I should start by explaining the two different classifications of vampires, for those who are not in the know. According to Weirdly’s Dictionary of the Supernatural, vampires are classified as follows:

Yo’ Mama: (YM)  Characterized by a hideous appearance, an appalling lack of hygiene, slow wit, inability to recognize snark when it nibbles on their neck and a preference for Crocs footwear. Formerly known as the “Ewww Gross.” (see photo below)

A rare classification, accounting for only about 10% of the vampire population.

Really Cute: (RC)  Easily recognized by the distinctive traits of good looks, stunning ability to execute a hair toss, sparkling sense of humor, overabundance of snark and excellent taste in shoes. (see photo below)

The most common classification, accounting for approximately 90% of the vampire population. 

As you might have noticed... *executes perfect hair flip and points to stunning self-portrait above... the cute one* I’m of the “Really Cute” vamp variety. *looks around for any YM vamps, then whispers* The “yo’ mamas” were named many years ago... no one knows exactly how many... by a teenage boy who witnessed a word war between a RC and a then called “Ewww Gross” vamp. He named them YM because they are so ugly only their mamas could love them. Many of the world’s most beautiful people are actually RC vamps... Brad Pitt? Yep. Olivia Wilde? You know it! Tom Cruise? Hell no! That urban legend was debunked years ago! *flips hair, annoyed by the continued rumor*

Looks aside, vamps have gotten a reputation for being blood thirsty killers. *rolls eyes* This is completely untrue. We don’t bite... much. Just a nibble here and there. And nobody ever complains! I mean, really... *smiling brightly* …would you complain if the donation of a pint of blood meant you could achieve *pauses, considers PG wording* ecstasy? After all, the rumor that vampire bites are orgasmic? *leans forward, looking deeply into your eyes* Totally. Completely. True.

Um... *checks manicure, avoiding eye contact* The rumor that vampires make bad boyfriends? Also totally untrue. I mean, isn’t it every girls dream to have a boyfriend that is only around at night... when she’s sleeping and unable to spend time with him? A boyfriend that’s a total loner, never wanting to interact with anyone else? A boyfriend who never ages, and will notice every line and gray hair you ever get? *nods* Oh, yeah!!! Vamps are total catches!

And the whole mind control thing? *laughs brightly, waving this away* As if! I mean, just because you suddenly sign over your new car to a vampire doesn’t mean they’ve influenced you! It just means you were so struck by their beauty you wanted to give them something to show your appreciation.

Mood swings? *looks into your eyes deeply, putting a little UMPH into it, hoping you don’t notice the pattern* Really, doesn’t everyone suffer bad days? Haven’t you ever had a night where your dinner ran and struggled and you broke a nail catching them? Didn’t that torque you off? And didn’t you throw your boyfriend’s new car through the window of his house just to relieve some stress?

So, as you can see... vampires are no threat at all. While we are the undisputed champs of the supernatural world, there is absolutely nothing for humans to be worried about. Truly, we only want to be your BFFs. *smiling again, fangs elongating, feeling slightly peckish* Let’s hug on it.

Thanks, Louise!  Well, there you have it.  The gauntlet has been thrown and things are heating up around here.  Do you have a favorite, yet?  Remember, poll day is only 3 days away, so if you want to let your voice be heard, be there or be square.  It only lasts 24 hours and, then, it will disappear like a ghost into the mist.  We'll see you there!